Deafening silence




The lump in my throat keeps getting bulkier as I stare out of the window. The bare light of dawn seeping through trying to sneak in the slightest bit of warmth among the cool breeze that’s swaying the translucent curtains ever so delicately. It’s so silent yet so loud. My mind is racing a million miles an hour. My thoughts are overly loud that they overlap causing an incomprehensible disturbance. This surely is enough to drive anyone insane, yet I’m miraculously compos mentis.

It’s so peaceful outside, contrary to how it is deep inside. I feel the urge to silent those sounds and be a part of the world around me. The sounds nobody can hear. I feel the serendipity of the small bird as it lands on the window sill a few inches before my eyes. I see the weaker tree branches dancing with the light snore of the wind and feel the urge to imitate such a carefree act. But I'm trapped.




Dawn stays for an utterly limited time before bidding my supposed peacefulness a farewell, which stretches till the light part of the 24 hours waiting ahead of me comes to an end. I constantly remind myself to wake up from my daze, the world will soon follow suit. I must engage with them, I must feel normal, I must act normal.

But why should anyone plaster a fake smile? When was the last time I smiled genuinely? What does genuine even mean to me now? Was the world too cruel yesterday? Will it be harsher today and unbearable tomorrow? Thoughts of the same species come rushing through like an uncontrollable flood. It drowns everyone and wrecks everything that stands as an obstacle in its way. I envy the small bird that's staring at me with innocence dripping from its doe like eyes. It can fly anywhere and anytime it wants. It has wings, it can be free.

A glimpse of a newly blossoming Crepe Myrtle catches my eyes. The first on that tree since I have decided to sit and stare years ago every morning at dawn. It is just starting to bloom now. Its beauty keeps me captivated, mesmerized, involuntarily forgetting about the thoughts queuing to give me the headache of the century. It's all forgotten now. It's just me, the bird, the baby Lagerstroemia, the touch of the slight breeze, and a small smile that appeared on my face ever so suddenly. It was genuine I could tell, it felt good.


Why should I allow abhorrent thoughts to take up my mind and keep me counting every breath I draw in? Why should I keep calculating the consequences of every step I take? Why not let go for once?
The world has so much to offer, not just the horrendous side of it. We simply turn our backs to all the beauty around us. When did we become so miserable to the extent that beauty falls onto our blind spot? 

The bird flies despite everything. The flower blooms in the worst circumstances and we cannot learn from the lessons mother nature offers us every single waking moment of every day. Yes, we sometimes let negativity get out the worst in us, however, there's always a light beam which surrounds us in an aura of pure bliss and euphoria. 

We chose to build our own pop-less bubbles and kept our guards up all the time. We vented inside and forgot the simple act of companioning, the simple act of sharing our load with others. The silence may be deafening, but only us can turn it off. Only you have the capability of choosing whether to live your life in a haze of pessimism, or radiate an ambience of buoyancy.

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